Shift

What if.
What if I.
I can't. I won't.
But if. just if. if I did.
It would spiral out of control. I would. I wouldn't run. Not this time. Not from all of this. From you. From what made you.. you. This time I can't hide. Hide away the fears. the worries. the constant murmurs in my head. the powerful. the endless debates. This time. I will let them out. Let them test the waters. See how deep they can take me. into this mess. above my head. above ours. bigger than me. bigger than us. bigger than I'd like to believe. only. if I do. if I did. I wouldn't find a way out. a way up. a way back. a way to mend all of this. any of this. I couldn't. Not this time. Not if I did.
So I won't. I'll straighten my edges. quiet the voices. the truths. the many tales. and run. far from the waves. just far enough to keep my place.
But if. just if. if I did.
Would you listen?

Scattered.

What once was. What was once. Once innocent and exact. Exactly at the right moments. Exactly what I needed. then. I needed you. For you to be there. To fill the gaps. To erase it all. Replace it all. Mostly. I needed you to listen. To believe me. To believe in me. To support me. To help me forget. That was the biggest one. The one I couldn't seem to manage. I couldn't forget. Move forward. Stuck in place. In that constant state of rewind. Rewind, try again, Rewind, Stop. Fast forward. Move forward. Slowly. Slower than most. Surely I would. Move. You were certain of it. You believed in me. You supported me. Until. Until you too fell back. You too felt the rewind. Only. You were different. Different times. Places. Moments. Moments that opened up. Moments that kept opening. Kept tearing. Kept ripping open. Opening doors that should have been bolted shut. Bursting open. Until. Until I too fell back. Not that I was surprised. I was always unbalanced. Balancing everything and you. Didn't quite work. Never worked. Never to work. Despite all thoughts. All blanks. All sources of red. All sources of frustration. Of despair. Of broken. Unbalanced and replaced. Despite all words. Despite all thoughts. But that was once. What once was.

I'm still unbalanced.

I'm still open.

But I'm not broken. Not covered in red. Covered in thoughts. Images. Memories.Gone. Gone are those strings. However they were attached. Gone are those strands of hope. I quietly let them float away. Away to be safe. Away to be right. However wrong it may have seemed. Only now. Now I don't need you. I simply miss you. You. You who supported me. Who believed in me. Who sometimes remembers. Who I haven't forgotten. Who was caught. Who tripped. Fell. Couldn't help it. Couldn't help me. Me who was once. Closer to you. But that was once. What once was.

And I miss it.

The new now.

Switch

Off. 

Off and Down.

Off, Down and Under. 
Off, Down, Under and Out. 

This time. This time we've gone a little too far. Too far apart to ever connect. To ever reconnect. Build the trust we once had. We've lost our chances. Spread out too much. Too much to be anything but off. Just a little off. From what was expected. From what was planned. Speculated. Even more. Any more, and we'll be down. Down from our step. Our step up from the world. From who we thought we were. Only. We never really were. Anything but ordinary. Hiding beneath your covers. Under layers of truth. Buried deep. Too deep to be found out. In too deep to be allowed out. To be figured out. To be left out. Kicked out. Pushed out. Out into the current state where I will remain off. 

Most Problematic Dreams

I can't sleep until it's over. Until the words make their escape. Out and over. Over and out of my mind. Out of my mind. Only you forced your way in. Balancing the two. Breaking in two. Two of which should never be. Only. They will always be. There will always be. Room for your words. The ones fighting. Struggling. Trying to see the light. The positives. The... Anything other than you. No. That can't be right. I must have missed. You holding on. Onto something. You're onto something. A plan. A way to stay alive. Remain in power. Power that can't be stolen. Only transferred. Transferred onto me. The hero. Always waiting. Waiting for that shining moment. To shine. To stutter. To hold on. To miss. Miss my chance. my chance to change. To break apart. To break free from the source. The source of constance. Constant control. Mixing up my butterflies. Keeping me awake. Keeping me from sleep. Sleep that won't. Sleep that can't. Until it's over.

Let's Dance

Just a little closer. Too close to avoid misunderstandings. Mistakes and memories. Too close to create new ones. New moments. More mayhem. More quiet blanks and broken faces. Faces that cannot be exposed. Naked and vulnerable. Clearly readable. Clearly falling apart. Clearly, easily hidden. Easily tossed into the bin. The inappropriate bin of nothingness. Nothing that can be mentioned. Not anymore. Not with the degree of closeness. Too close to withhold a smile. A tiny content smile. One filled with amusement. The secret sign of relief. Just a little closer now. Close enough to slowly edge away from all that is you.

Overthinking

Evolution

The words still flutter. Making their way through the tangled mess. The twists and turns that make up my insides. Inside, in a state of panic. The words won't escape. Caught in the web that lies behind sealed lips. Not quite ready to be heard. Only. The path is already set. Leading straight to instant mortification. Humiliation and destruction. Though not enough to empty. To bend and spin in dizzying circles. The flutters made their mark. The words, now permanent.

Fixable

You're broken. Broken apart. Apart from everything you had. Had to give up. Up and left. Left her behind. Behind another shadowed figure. Figure it out. Out of your Control. Control your urges. Urges you to come closer. Closer to what scares me most. Most of the time you're scared too. Too much to tell me. Me who wants you safe. Safe from this fighting. Fighting for what you can't quite figure out. Out of this part. Part of me. Me who wants you safe. Safe at home. Home where you belong.

Forget December

I'm not sure how it came to this. To the point where walls and lists were tossed aside. Invisible checks no longer needed. Where everything just fit. Conveniently together. Now, all around is strange. Strange, new and unfamiliar. Left without a blindfold. A filter or a shell. What happened to the questions? Excessive thoughts and ponderings. What happened to the madness? Slowly making much more sense. Bubbled into the distance. Leaving only memories. Hiding behind their doors. I can't say I've forgotten. I still remember how to play. Taking place inside the mind. The rules. Broken and cheated. There's no need to return. I'll leave those games behind. Quite far from where I'll be.

this time.

This is where it all begins. Where it settles nicely. Arranged so carefully. Well, at least that's the way I imagine it. Only, I can't control every variable. Nor do I want to. This time, spontaneous won't seem so terrifying. Risks will be taken. Taken with baby steps, but taken nonetheless. It's the only way for the pieces to fit together. The quiet spells can't be returned. This isn't a contest. A game. This is real. This is where it has begun. On its own. Only, with the help of a little push. Taking it right over the edge.

Honestly

I think maybe. Maybe it just seemed right. Exactly what I was supposed to do. Supposed to feel. Only it wasn't. Yet it was. Too late to change. To think for myself. To make my own decisions about you. What was I thinking? I suppose I wasn't. Mostly just hoping for the impossible. For magic. For the unexpected. Impossible. Everything that I was thinking. Only now, opposite thoughts are marching into my head. Demanding. Wondering. Why. Why play games and risk it? Why remind yourself of that day. The one that could have ended. The same day that started it all. I can't answer that. It just makes sense. For everyone else. But me.

Second Chances

Are you ready? Ready to start. To step into this. Whatever 'this' is. Whenever 'this' starts. However you'd like it to. If that's even true.

I just might be. Right at this moment. Ready to jump. Over the lines. Over the towering walls. So carefully placed. Neatly by your side.

A few more steps is all I need. Really. A few. A push. Just a little one. One to start this internal conflict. Starting with a shove. Big enough to stir things up. To create the familiar uneasy feelings. Covering up the empty. Although, never completely empty. Never for long. Never without you. Only. You. You, the emptier. You've switched sides. Taking on a new role. The one. The one capable of shoving. Just a little. Enough to organize my thoughts. Enough to convince me that I'm ready. Ready to start.

Repetition.

Everything hit at once. Everything that I was happily living without. Everything that I worked so hard to get rid of. To let go. Obviously didn't go very far. The internal shivers are back. The ones that show up despite layers of warmth. The ones linked to trauma. And everything else nicely sealed in that envelope. Or so I thought. Welcome back internal tremors. The dizzy swirling turns are back. Taking over. Planting its stubborn instructions in my head. My head that insists on spinning. My head that wants to twirl around leaving my body behind. Motionless. Welcome back dizzy swirls. Make yourselves at home.

Departure

What did I think was going to happen? Well, I hadn't actually thought that far. The moment was enough to keep me happy. Keep me away from the truth. I suppose it's always been that way. With the truth hanging somewhere. Just out of reach. Pushed out of my mind. Why would I want to picture that? To constantly search for destruction. For a way out. Perhaps for the sake of tradition. I've come to expect it. I've become paranoid. Not that I can help it. Not that it will go away anytime soon. That may never change. I will always be stubborn and awkward. Fragile and sarcastic. Built for some kind of destruction. Only, without an explanation of how it will work. What effect it will have. Surprise. Surprise. I'll take my chances. Not that I necessarily deserve them. Or any of this. This whole set up. Set up for disappointment. I'm sorry. I wish I could be exactly who you think I am. I wish I could tell you everything. Everything and anything. Only. I can't. I prefer being invisible. Slightly out of your reach. Keeping up the charade. Everything's fine. You won't have to worry. Not about me. Me, the invisible one. The one who's constantly afraid. Of. Everything. Only. It's not quite fair. To have everything I should be right there in front of me. Just out of reach. A little too far away. Maybe I should stop reaching. Stop pretending that everything is fine. Start letting it out. Letting you in. Maybe. Only. It's far too late for that. The story must change. And change. Until the truth is no longer recognizable. No longer needed. No longer capable of causing harm. It should though. It should always recreate the same feelings. Until they all blend together as one. One big mess. That's more truthful than you would expect. Maybe. Maybe this would be better if I didn't believe so strongly in childhood wishes. In savings and halves. In wishing on stars. Always hoping. For things I never really had any control over. I suppose it has to be that way. It's only fair. It's the only way to keep going. To break out of the hiding place. To come out with it all.

To make room for something new. New on the inside. With no place to hide.

Spectaculariousity

I suppose I should thank you. For really listening. For making a few small changes. Enough to offer a true escape. A way out. Although, one with a time limit. For once, I was glad for that. Dreading, yet there was no alternative. An escape that was merely a journey in disguise. One that required a return. One that had to be faced alone. One that couldn't be punctured. Destroyed. Transformed. One that wouldn't make me stronger. Wouldn't change anything at all. Couldn't even. One that was filled with paranoia. Paranoia that would never have made sense. The situation didn't call for it. Paranoia, yet wonder. Wonder that would never have made sense. Wonder that was without a reason. There was no reason to turn around. No reason to have let that thought cross my mind. Once. Twice. More than necessary. More than I would have liked. Only, exactly what I would have needed. Exactly what never happened. And exactly what will never happen again. For lack of qualifications... among other things.

Confinement

Your voice is overpowering. Blocking out all other thoughts. Covering the only one who dares to oppose you. Only. Your opposer is much smaller. One voice. Small actions. That will never be a suitable match for you. You and your choir of hate. Your chants that send shivers down my spine. You don't belong here. Your cause is unjust. Turning once innocent bystanders into a mess of followers. What. Have. You. Done. You've created fear with the mere power of words. I'm afraid to speak. To look. Anywhere but down. I just want to walk faster. Closer to my escape. To silence. To safety. To freedom. To speak my own words. Releasing my inner thoughts. In my foreign, forbidden language.

Centrifugal

I can see where you are now. Despite your disappearing act. I can see what you've been hiding. Stepping carefully around. Avoiding all paths that lead to this. The one thing you can't ignore. Can't avoid. Can't bring yourself to admit. Only. It stops here. No more chasing. No more red lights. There can't be any more. Neither seemed to work. Nothing will reach those who insist on floating. Not that they have a choice. Not that it can be controlled. Only. Maybe it can be beaten. Maybe there's a safe way down. Maybe. Maybe everything will work out. Maybe you'll stop hiding. Stop disappearing. Stop tearing apart. Maybe.

Parentheses.

This is just a cycle. A cycle you are unaware of. You fit in quite nicely. Classed in two separate parts. This is just a cycle. Only. I wish it would end. A way out that would eliminate the repetition. Instead, I am faced with long periods of silence. A taunting quiet. Tease. It will never last. The chain is only breaking. Temporarily relieving me of its routine. This madness will never end. This is just a cycle.

Mirrored

I never thought I would cross over to the other side. Your side. I never expected to be in that same situation without being the victim. It's strange how it all makes sense now. How everything falls into place when the world is seen from another perspective. Only, now there are even more lingering pieces. Each one crying out for an explanation. An explanation that can't be reached. There are too many new and uncomfortable blocks lying in the way. Attempting to hide everything and anything. Nothing can hide the fact that the natural and comforting will easily disappear, leaving confined and forced in it's place. The two that cannot be pushed away.

Pieces

Well...today it finally sunk in that summer is indeed on it's way to an end. I suppose it's about time. If I could have a few more days, they would be strategically placed, resulting in halves and butterflies. Only, a few wouldn't be enough. I can only hope for endless. Endless smiles and worries. The inseparable duo. For now, I'll just enjoy the remaining days one at a time. All the while still hoping that there will be more chances, more moments and more time. . .
1. I have three years of my life documented in a journal. I would force myself to write in it every single day because I didn't want to forget any of it. I hated forgetting little things in the past years. It's strange to see the similarities between then and now. At least now I know where my paranoia comes from. My inability to trust people. No one is ever who they claim to be. I've always trusted the wrong people and then watched as their true intentions are spelled out for me. But which is worse, blindly trusting or expecting the worst?
2. It was perfect. Just long enough for me to appreciate how special it was. It doesn't seem fair that it was over before I could even realize how much I would miss it. It shouldn't be. I had no idea then that I would spend the next few years trying to put the pieces together. Trying to figure out what went wrong. Overanalyzing. Overthinking. My specialities. Why did everything have to fall apart as quickly as it came together? More repetition. I'm back to the same place as I was in eight years ago. Only. It's not quite the same. Little scars and memories won't leave my side. If only that were true for the rest. If only the attacks weren't quite so far apart.
3. Why are you so far away? Why do you insist on playing these games? Why can't you remember. Anything and everything. Everything that won't fit together anymore. Everything that goes through my mind. Everything that makes complete sense to you.

Separation

1. It shouldn't have been that easy. To slip away unnoticed. Separating the unsure and unstable just to find a way out. Nighttime fears pushed aside to make room for incoming worries and disappointments. It shouldn't have been that easy to erase all thoughts and just imagine. Pretend that all was well and that anything could happen. That only goes so far. Soon enough it's a game where failure is distant and unfamiliar. Success is just around the corner in the form of false smiles and warmth. For now, escape is the only option.

2. I wish that I could believe that everyone has some good in them. That the negative parts that I seem to see are exaggerated and hardly noticeable. Highly unlikely. Working in retail has made up my mind for me. One nasty comment can ruin my whole day and leave them with a sense of accomplishment. But of course, the customer is always right, so I must stand there and smile, wishing them a pleasant afternoon. Lovely. It's either that or building up meaningless bubbles of conversation. Exchanging 'hello how are you's without really expecting anything but a 'fine and yourself?'. Am I allowed to publicly have a bad day, or is that something that a retail robot has no knowledge of? It's all a routine that becomes automatic. A list of four phrases accompanied by stutters and stumbles when a change is presented. The ideal change is when you finally present yourself with a genuine smile and a caring attitude. Until then, I'll be waiting.

Now.

It was just a moment. Another one of those times where everything else matters. Only, I wish it didn't. Those moments where I wish I could disappear and just be left alone. Alone and out of sight, even just for a minute. Unfortunately, that never happens. The chance to leave unnoticed never presents itself. And once again, I'm stuck in this moment.

534

I wonder if the past is repeating itself to send a message. Maybe. But then again, maybe I'm just making connections that aren't really there. Maybe I'm just picturing the strange looks and raised eyebrows. Maybe I'm just trying to place myself right back into the back seat. Then again, maybe I've never left.

disagree

Why do we even have rules? What's the point in having a policy when it can be easily broken as soon as someone raises their voice. Of course.. that someone is never me, because I'm supposed to be the calm one, the one who says 'yes of course' and 'I completely understand'. See.. that's where the problem occurs. I don't like to be wrong. Actually, I don't like to be wrong when I know for sure that I am right. This is a terrible combination as I love to argue to prove my point and will not stop until the other person gives up.. usually. Anyway, back to rules. . I hate exceptions to the rules. I hate making exceptions to the rules. My job is to explain the rules and calmly state why they can't be broken as I maintain eye contact, nod and smile. Lovely. Now, that would be simple, as well as fake, but I have to consider the fact that the other person's reaction can't be predicted. They will either feel bad and give up or turn various shades of purple and start yelling and insisting that I am wrong. The rules are all wrong. They should be broken for the 'right people'. They should be broken or else. Or else they will never come see me again... Okay... See.. I don't really care.. I'm not allowed to say that, but if I could speak my mind to these strangers it would be quite interesting to say the least. That was basically my weekend at customer service. It's a shame I manage to stay calm. There is such potential for out of the ordinary reactions from both parties. Anyway, all this to say, if I had my way, there would be no exceptions whatsoever.

Other than that, the summer has brought a bunch of projects. Most of them are still half finished or planned out. My enthusiasm for a project usually dies about halfway through. The exception to this is that I was able to finish sewing my first non-patterned article of clothing. Please ignore that use of the word 'exception'. I still need to finish about 5 other 'projects' before the summer is up. Knowing me, I will just end up adding more to that list and have twice as many unfinished ones by the time school starts. Bad idea. At least it's only June. I have all summer to finish them. . when I find the time.

Renew

It almost doesn't feel real. A year's worth of hidden thoughts, overthinking and wasted time. Lack of trust and paranoia. A year's worth of red lights, lies and internal shivering. Assisted misery. What better time to shed those memories than spring/ not quite summer/ it feels like summer time. In honor of false summer starting, the list will be making a temporary appearance.
This week..
1. I had forgotten what it was like to work full time again. To improve my non-existant acting skills and pretend to be deeply interested in complete strangers' lives. To ask questions and give ridiculous smiles and finish every sentence with "Parfait!". Ugh. Nothing perfect about that.
2. I've noticed that procrastination has creeped it's way into my summer "goals" list. Either that, or I have no time management skills. I have started every single one of them and now have unfinished projects lying around. Not a pretty sight. I love starting projects but I seem to either get uninspired halfway through, run out of time or just get bored and start another. Seven days after exams and I've already done too much.
3. I have no idea how to study effectively anymore. I'm much too distracted. And too prone to sleep when it gets too dull. I miss being able to condense all of my notes into a small amount written nicely in 10 different colours. I always write nicer when I allow myself to use my 'nice pens'. That's probably the reason why I don't use them often. Either that or I'm secretly saving them. I used to save everything and claim that one day I will need whatever it is I was saving.. I wound up with a bunch of strange collections and unopened packages. It's a shame. I would have loved to use them when I first had them.
4. I still feel as if I am a year behind. I always feel like I'm the person I wanted to be one year ago. Am I that slow at making changes? Do I really overthink that much?.. Agh.. Someone invent a time machine, so I can tell myself to hurry up and make a decision. To stop overthinking and just go straight to action. To stop comparing and wondering. It will be too late. Time will be up soon and I can't bear to lose it this time. From QWYL to now. I still haven't learned the meaning of the word 'action'. Waiting for something that will soon expire probably isn't the best idea.
5. I think I've escaped from the secrets room. The room with no doors or windows. The room I was drowning in. They have been reduced to be able to fit into a small bucket. Painted white and missing stones. I don't think I'll ever find them. But maybe that's a good thing. Four less. That's about average. I won't be seeing twenties for a while now. It's too unrealistic. It only ends up leaving unbelievably high expectations. I've never liked those.
6. I wish I would have listened to her advice. Back when folding and old songs would always bring smiles. What would have happened then? Where would we be now? Would you still have left and passed the blame onto me? Fear and paranoia were making their entrance. The situation seems to be quite similar and yet I'm only now noticing that the shaded grey area is disappearing. Time will be up soon. If I keep this up.
7. No more flutters. No more shivers. It wasn't enough. Temporary relief. I don't want any more.

Letters on the Ceiling

If you had to choose, would you? Or would you wait and ponder and forget that not everything stays still. Not everything can or will wait. Waiting it out seems to be the best route. Just a little while longer. Just to make sure. Can't be certain. Why bother? If there's doubt, maybe there's a reason. Maybe there was a reason for those letters. For each roughly drawn letter. Each meaning lying behind the lines. Between the lines. The ones that only appear months later. Only when you really start to question. To reconsider the meaning of truth and lies. To consider what's been lost. Three. Three that were never seen. Never noticed. Never discovered until it was too late. Will they be replaced, or will it be constantly lacking those extra three. Never satisfied. Never complete. It seems that replacements are in order. Only. Not for real use. Just to show that there can be new again. That is.. Until they fall and remain as they were. Sprawled across the floor.

Sleepless

Picturing the strange, unfamiliar new world that was soon to be introduced to me was frightening. Terrifying yet exciting. Where am I supposed to go from here? Face the truth and discover how thick these walls really are, or stay away, hide away from what was once inescapable. Face the risk of lengthy comparison and possibly relive the awful collapse. The internal collapse, the familiar emptiness. The accusing glances and hollowed whispers. Only predicted, but the fear still carries on. I suppose I can't avoid it. Can't try to escape. There is no real escape. One way leads to an end, a break down, and the other is a path to destruction. Either way, the truth will present itself. It will bubble up inside and let out bursts of words barely strung together. Will it be my truths, my words or the expected ones. The immediate conclusions drawn from betrayals and false truths. Assumptions and trailed thoughts. Either way, time is up. This world of strangeness is clearly in view. Only, the reflections have faded from it.

Stencil

I'm sure it could have been false. Created just for me. In just the right way to tell me exactly what I want to hear. Well, it worked. I believed it. I hope you're happy. It was just what you were designed for. To help. To slowly uncover bits of truth. It wasn't easy, but I applaud your attempt. Your successful attempt. It all makes sense now. Everything can neatly be classed into files and folders in nice little boxes. Oh how I've waited for this moment. For you to show up. Show your face and in turn be held responsible. For lifting the tension and brightening the cloudy, rainy, otherwise awful day. For peeling off layers to reveal something new. Something brighter. Something with room for change. Something that I can be.

Pieces of Orange

One. Two. Once more. Only.. that's enough. I'm afraid you'll catch on. Catch on to my little distraction. Almost defective. I've become immune to distractions. Or maybe just these. No. None seem to be working. The only thing I can count on is escapes. Escapes without people. Without judgement. Without walls. Escapes that can no longer lead to childhood. Crossed out. Crossed over. Crossed behind my back. I still remember. Only. It seems to have slipped your mind. Or maybe that's just me. I'll admit, I too had forgotten. It's the only way I can get through this. Forgetting. Forgetting you. You and your tricks. Your lies. Your.. My lack of trust. It seems the one mistake was forgetting. If only. If only I had remembered your actions. Your words. All repeated. Same time. Same order. Could have predicted. Could have prevented. The Quiet Syndrome. Welcome. It's all falling into place. Or. Rather. Out of place. Everything is falling apart. Drifting away. I'd rather you stayed. Right where I can see you. Every day. Any day. Only just simply to be. To express and expose. Or. Fine. But you know that trick. You know exactly how it works. But. That's okay. I know another. Another word to hide behind. Okay. Additionally shifting. Only. You tend to ask questions. Questions I can't always answer. At least not without breaking. Breaking down. Into pieces. Pieces of orange. Pieces that cannot be ignored. Pieces that I will try to hide. Try my very best. To push aside the truth and slip on my vaguely familiar suit. Not a way out. But a way of extending. Extending the time between breaks. Between falls. Between buildups. Buildups and breakdowns. That is where you'll find me. Discretely jumping. Avoiding. All around and all around you. It's the only way I know. It's the only way I can hide and never be found. You'll never open the door. You'd never think to look there. The thought will never cross your mind. And when it does. Don't worry. I will already have disappeared.

Gloves.

Eternally. Internally.

Destructure

I don't know if I can ever forgive. Forgive. Forget. Eliminate. It's not that easy. I can't help but hold a grudge. I can't help but feel the pull. Unraveling what was held so neatly together. Composed. Rows of twine and ribbon loosely tied. Unraveling slowly. Decomposing. Stop pulling.

Tunnel Talk

White room. White walls. Grey windows. Covered. Only a tiny hole prevents inner torture. White floor. White ceiling. Grey door. Locked. Only a faint knocking worsens the constantly shifting mind. The room stands. Observing. Absorbing all that's near.
Only.. It will all be too much. Overwhelming. About to burst. White walls will tighten their grip on the ceiling. Useless. It will be too late. Thin strands of hidden truths will come flying out. Confetti in the air. Spiraling and whispering until they reach the ground.

Sinker

A broken mix of silvery, watered down words. I'm afraid you can't fall any lower than that. You can't possibly imagine what you've done. What effect your words have had on me. On the world. Especially the world. You've taken advantage of times of desperation for your own sick, selfish reasons. I can only hope that you are faced with a painful dose of guilt. Only.. I also hope that you realize how morally wrong your actions were. And. How far you can actually take a lie. How far is too far. In your case, it was too far from the start.

Punctuation

One again, I'm stuck. Caught in the middle of this innocent madness. Only, not completely innocent as it's not completely truthful. Possibly due to the fact that it's shoved into the space between denial and secrets. Would have stayed nicely there as well. Would have if not for the shovel. The predictions. The insistence. And the cold. Never failing to present itself. Especially in the face of disaster.

Placement

Well done. Well done. I really appreciate the effort made to create this extreme paranoia. Unfortunately, it was a flawed plan. You'll have to perfect your clever little plan and test it out. Only... I'd rather not be the test subject next time. I do not mix well with paranoia. First of all... I'm already extremely paranoid and freak out over everything. So, how fun would it be to see me freak out even more. Indeed. Only... I'm not prepared to change my habits that I'm oh so comfortable with just to add an extra dose of paranoia to my day. No thank you. Not today. No more changes. No more added paranoia. Thanks.

Conveniently

Why do companies insist on creating "convenient, practical, fantastic, miniature-sized" versions of everything? I've had quite enough of this nonsense. You cannot simply expect it to be the same as the larger version. When you downsize it, you end up reducing the quality and in some cases the flavour. That's where I draw the line. NO! I'm not overreacting. Miniature "Snack Sized" Oreos are horriblah. Horriblah and Hawful. You can't just shrink down oreos into tiny bits of chocolate (without changing the thickness of them) and a mini hole punch sized bit of icing.. sigh. It's just not the same..

Anyway, three of those tiny things ruined my morning. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration... They ruined the fact that I was looking forward to eating my oreos. I miss my full sized ones at home. Oh well. Never again will I make that mistake.

Terrification

Once again, the fears have returned. So much for my new year's resolution to be less afraid of everything, try new things and be less paranoid. Hmmm... Who knows what will happen now. I don't want to be afraid. Not of this. Not of the unknown. I just don't want to picture it. Death. Ughh.... Following me everywhere since childhood. Lovely, lovely. But. Only at night. Which makes complete sense because death only happens at night...riiiight. It's not fair either. I was told that you can get over a fear by facing it. So for my irrational (ridiculous-paranoid-screaming) fear of spiders, I should face it by dealing with them in a calm way and picking one up in my hand... Ummm... I'll pass. So basically, to face my fear of death, I have to experience death? Mmmm I can feel my fear disappearing already. . .

Remembering.

You'll never be far enough away.

Strangers

Welcome. Welcome back distractions. I hardly recognize you. Everything looks new again. Bigger. Brighter. Different. Distant. But this I remember. The emptiness that never found me. The crowded voices. Losing control by the minute. I just want it to stop. Stop reminding me of what I didn't do. Of what chances I've lost. I don't want to go back. It can't be the same. It's not too late. One voice can change. Change everything. It just has to be mine this time.

Wednesday.

I can't. One move was already enough. Removing layers of comfort. It was enough. Erasing years. Years of sinking. Drowning. Just a little. But now. Now I can't. Can't escape your gaze. Your questions. Insisting. Persisting. You won't find my answers. Or me. No. No falling back. No ups and downs. No turning back. I'm convinced. It was enough.

Overdue

1. Tiny smiles. Eyes exchanging glances. Nothing more was needed. Only. There were distractions. Quite a few. The occasional blink of red. Numbers constantly changing. Eyes well occuped. Less often came the brightest white light. Attention from all sides. Not well liked on my part. Not well liked at all.

2. Big Empty Promises.

3. One more. Starting to spill over. Slowly flooding the world around. Last one. No more. Keep away poisonous tales.

nine sleepless nights.

Well... it's all over. School. Stage. All done. Now I'm supposed to be free. Left with my own thoughts. Left to drown in them. How lovely. I was dreading it. At least the 5 year olds were a distraction. Now.. the Christmas show is over. My distractions are slowly disappearing. Slowly until I'm stuck facing what's really bothering me. What I've hidden away. Tucked under the covers. I'd rather not have that happen. Not right now. Not like this. Well. Too late for wishing. It happened quickly enough. Almost immediately. An instant death to my happy thoughts. Mmmm.... At least I didn't have to wait for it. At least I still have scowly faces. Those brighten my day. Oddly enough. Well, only when they end in smiles. Those are my favorite. Those are limited. Those are yours.

Mmmm.. Sims 3 is a pretty good distraction. But. It leaves me wondering. It makes me stop and ask myself why I bother continuing. Continue controlling their lives. Their every move. When I'm stuck asking myself what the point of their lives is. Their lifelong goals are accomplished. What's left? Wants and needs I suppose. Those will last forever. For as long as they live. Is that what we're living for too? Wants and needs. Just to accomplish those? Just.. wondering.

between the lines

But there weren't any. And I knew that there couldn't be. Still, I wondered what it would be like. To know you in a way that was real. A way that existed outside the spaces. Outside the lines you so had so carefully drawn. I wanted to expand. To explore. Not be kept inside. Locked away for blocks of time. Freed for a day. A few hours at most. To throw me off track. To answer my questions. To whisper. To reassure me. To calm me down. To win me over. To coax me back into the box. Back inside. It's not as comfortable as before. But. I'll stay, nice and quiet. I'll endure the darkness and keep it all inside. Hidden in my mind. All for that one moment of freedom. The one that feels real. The one that hurts most when I'm back inside. Free to wonder. To argue. To doubt. To break To continue the cycle. free.

Wires.

I felt the disconnection. Months ago. I should have seen it sooner. The signs were right there. Desaturated colours. Increased letters. Growing distance. Excuses. I. I wish we could go back. Just a little further. When. When it was simpler. Codes. And letters. They didn't always make sense. But. They always made me feel better. Calmer. Emptied. Leaving the necessary. And. Leaving the positive. I miss that empty. This kind feels blank. First blank. Cold. Indifferent. Then completely emptied. Taking out more than ever. Too much. Barely leaving anything. Just for a while. Until my empty body collapses inward.

263

To be frozen here. Right now. Is that too much to ask for?

Penguins

Sometimes. I'll make a deal with my mind. We'll spend a few hours arguing about something that would seem unimportant. Weighing out the pros and cons. Finally, we'll come to an agreement (Usually...). But the mind always wins. We'll agree.. and then it'll stab me in the back by changing my dreams to reflect its own opinion. Scowl. It's not fair. There's no way out either because if I don't agree, I'll never fall asleep. Mmm... I wonder if it can be tricked... Yes. I'll try that. Tonight. Tonight will be different.

Bruised

New and improved. It doesn't make sense. It can't be new and improved all at once. Nonetheless, it sounds nice. It's unrealistic. I'd like some new and improved. I'd like it with a side of make believe : / . And then my imagination takes over. Dreams. They seem new and improved. Or much worse.. but I'll put that one aside. I think I'm negative.

Why do you let it affect you? Why do you let it get to you? Why do you keep trying when you know that you'll fail? Why do you keep hurting yourself? Why do you even bother? Why? . . . I don't know. I can't explain. I don't want to explain. You won't understand. You just want facts. Facts on paper. I can't give you that. I can only give you little bits of emotion and pieces of thoughts. You won't get the whole one. It's up to you to piece them together. I can't do that for you. No. I can't turn it into words. I'll let you try. Go ahead. Get into my head. Take your answers, and leave. Please.

Fo-ie-ve-ty

What just happened? The quiet plan. The quiet plan never works. Never. It's never planned either. Actually, the complete opposite is planned, but the quiet plan takes over as it gets closer to the end. Usually... This means regrets. Like the last time. Only, there's no second chance because it was the real end. Nothing could come after this end. Then why the quiet plan? I guess I'll never know. I have no idea why fears decide to take over. I have learned to associate them with the colour red. Because of that day. The day that I can never get back. When does the learning process happen? The quiet plan keeps repeating. Why is there no learning from mistakes. The situations become so similar, but the realization only comes after. It's too late. Can't get them back. Even if I tried.

Secrets

Everything comes flooding back. Lights out. Under the watch of complete strangers. Colder than ever. Doesn't seem to matter. No. The memories don't bring warm thoughts. Not this time. I'll let the cold get to me. Until then. Until frustration decides to present itself. Until it gets worse. Worse for all to see. To judge. I know they will. I can see it in their stares. Their narrowed eyes. I'd tell them. I'm here. It's not okay. But. They're too far. Too busy. Behind too many layers. Off in their own world. As they should be.

Red.

One... Two... Wait. What's happening? You should be falling. Spiraling downward. Twisting in midair. Well.. No. I guess not. You won't hit the ground. Not anytime soon. Don't worry. Don't worry about it. Empty. Considering you already know. You'll just sway. Only for a second. Right past my window. It was enough.

Envelopes

Today was meant to be a bad day. The printer didn't work and printed all but the important parts of my paper... But it was okay. I would print it at school... Or so I thought. Of course the pink USB key would be useful to print at school... Which could only mean.... I missed the train. Scowl. I love the train and all of it's strangers. Though, I hate being surrounded by them. But I must take the window seat. The coldness keeps me awake. It seems to be the only thing keeping me awake lately. The shivering as well. Anyway, This isn't October. I miss the real one. The piles of leaves. I remember taking the wagons around the block and offering to rake up the neighbours' leaves and take them to our treehouse. Mmm... Parents weren't too happy. To me, it seemed brilliant, sliding down into a huge pile of leaves. Much bigger than the neighbour kids could make. Though.. I wasn't the one raking them and putting them into bags before winter. Oh well. I miss that block. And the races and guerre d'eau's. And of course, who could forget hearing my so called best friends trash talk me (quite loudly) next door. That affected me a bit. Can't trust people. Not then. Not now. Quite...Off topic... Qu still brightened my day. And tomorrow too. Probably.. The sequence was a perfect way to end the day. Very sarcastic. Very. I don't understand any of it. And yet it still happened. Over. And Over. This time. I'd like to dive in puddles. With socks on. For once. And not have to worry about anything. Just another carefree moment. I miss those. When nothing had to be said. And it didn't matter who was watching. Or what they thought. Maybe tomorrow will be carefree. Maybe.

Surprise.

I've been finding it easier to fall asleep at night. Usually, I'm bombarded with thoughts of today. Today means overthinking. I've missed overthinking. I guess. I'm just tired. Too tired to think about everything that I shouldn't be stressing about. Thinking erased my dreams. Not now. Now, I'm stuck with extension dreams. The one's that seem like an extension of real life. Of today. I hate those. I hate waking up and knowing it was all a dream. Falling back asleep with hopes of getting it back. No. Never happens. Just half awake state with sounds. Sounds that become comforting. Sounds that convince me to get more sleep. And sounds that convince me that I'm insane for having these dreams.

Left

Yesterday was orange. Orange all over. I can't seem to see past that. Or where it could take me. That is.. If I took a chance and followed it. I usually do, but sometimes orange can be wrong. In those cases, I'm faced with new and terrifying. Only. It's not new. I've seen it all before. Just. Names confuse me. I'll never remember them all. I'll just rely on orange. I'll be safe with that. At least. Until winter when it will suddenly disappear under a blanket of white. I'm not ready for that uncertainty. Not yet.

2009

It's official. The distance is too much for me to handle. You've turned a growing line into a huge crater. And now. Your name no longer makes me smile. It no longer appears after the 'and'. It didn't take you long to move to last. From last to gone. That was quick. It was too easy. I should have seen it coming. After the hours of familiar. And broken things. That one. I guess one was enough. I made my mark. Just as you had. Only it was more painful, and I had asked you not to. So now, I'm afraid of that too. Because hiding didn't help. You got through anyway. That time. Now, there's walls in addition to the crater. So, good luck. If you miss the two's, the wall's ready. And I'm not alone behind it.

2

Hello distraction. Yes. That's what you are. Some sort of cycle. All at once. No one could handle that. Especially not me. But. How can you say no to a distraction? With their warm inviting smiles. Their empty promise to fulfill your current wants and needs. I wish I saw through that earlier. But you make a convincing argument. Not to mention. You do an excellent job of occupying my mind. Even when you shouldn't. Especially not now. No. I need my mind now. Fully. No room for distractions. But. That doesn't stop you. It's your job. And my mistake. I can't do this anymore. I'll ask you nicely one last time. Just. Leave me alone. Please.

Teal

Yesterday was screaming October. Ridiculous rain and wind. Cold too. Or maybe it was the hill that made everything worse? Or the fact that they decided to have a fire drill when it was rainy and cold. Mmmm walking down six flights of stairs. Yeah, that was fun. I was disrupted. Surrounded by strangers. I wonder if the sidewalk felt stepped on. But yesterday was different. I wasn't aware. All morning. I was disconnected from the world. It was terrifying, yet strangely calming at the same time. It won't happen again. I promise.
Scowl. I think I may have wasted all my chances. That's partly a good thing. No. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm losing it. I think the cold might be moving to my mind. Must be it. I want my first chance back. Please. I promise I'll use it well this time. Not like before. Just this one time. For just a little longer. Okay... A lot longer. But that's all. I swear... ...? I miss the arguments. And switching sides. And teaming up. Too late now. Anyway, my hands are too cold. And this is no longer making sense. At all.

But. Thank you sir for your random act of kindness.

Also, lady from this morning, you are a ...very unpleasant person. Yeah, that'll pass through the 'no profane language' barrier.

Missing: Blue

I scowl less often. But I make twice as many faces. It's more fun. I'm still paranoid. Even more than before.. I think. I'm still afraid of connections. Making connections. Trusting people. That's a hard one. I still wonder what would have happened if you went another way. Would you be happy? Are you still as carefree, caring and innocent as you once were? I guess I'll never know. That ended quickly. And another. I wish that you would have made a little effort. Just enough to show that you cared. So it wouldn't tear us apart even more. But you're not the same anymore. You don't care about the same things. Or people for that matter. But I hope that you're happy being used. I refuse to participate in that act. And. Thanks for the smiles. The connection you didn't have to make. The memories that you created. For putting up with us. And. I miss the nothings. The nothing traditions. It didn't matter that my mind wandered at times. I miss the parking lot. In the cold. I feel disconnected. I feel 0.3333. You're the last one. Really. The one with the links. The smiles and arguments. But I quit traditions. And. Thanks for making fun of me. Breaking the ice. That helped. Yet there's still one attached regret. I guess I'll never know now. You're too far away. And. I hope you're okay. And not lonely. I'm just glad you made it. Despite what it created for us. No. It was never the same. But. It's all worth it just seeing you there. Even if you can't see me. And. Thanks for being innocent. Innocent and little. I hope that you stay that way. Just for a little while longer. Keep your smiles and hugs. I'll remember you that way. And. Acceptance. Not like the first. Enough for a change. A needed change. And finally. For going back. For staying. For not caring what passing people would think. For just knowing. Everything. Thank you.

This time, I can only hope for nothing.

absent

Do you remember lying? Alone in your own world. Everything made more sense. As quiet as it was. Underneath the noise. It's not always like that. Not when you're around.

I like little escapes. More quiet bubbles than you can imagine. Little tiny ones. Most of the time. I wish I could show you. Just let you in. But I'm hidden from view. And you're far too loud. For now I'll stay hidden. Just behind your sounds. For now you won't find me. It's safer that way.

You've already ruined it.

Rectangular

I'll admit. I'm distracted by shadows. Shadows and voices. They have a way of stealing my attention and holding it captive until I find out who they belong to. But that ruins it. I don't think that I want to know. I like the mystery. The secret twists amidst the blue. Restricted vision is a must. Only it's destroyed when walking away. : /

School is somewhat stressing me out. But I really. really. like it. I just don't like it's invasion of my free time. That will take some getting used to. I won't be visiting this place as often. My mind is trying to be structured again. Scowl.

until later..

1/4

I was expecting it. Dreading it, yet counting down the hours. It was one of 'those' times. The ones that could possibly destroy. Everything's in tact. What happened to falling apart? Or falling back. Back to that. To second and beige. No, I don't want to go back.

Ci No Tb

Finally.

Swing.

What's the point in pretending when we both know that it's not going to last? It's the same routine repeated on a daily basis. I shouldn't be getting used to this. I shouldn't be able to predict this. Your actions. The ridiculous dialogue that no one pays attention to. I won't remember this. The details. Maybe a few, but it will get repetitive and we'll both be fed up. No sign of it though. Smiles all over. It will be over soon. But don't worry. Tomorrow won't be any different.

Twenty.

Red lights remind me of one thing. Or maybe just those. Those four red lights. Everything that came with them. The waiting. Regretting and thinking. Empty. Ridiculous scowls. Clenched fists too. I hate the waiting. It only makes me remember. What a waste of red.

Curtains

Just a touch of blue. That was all that I needed. All it took to rid my system of that. Mostly. This time, I might have a chance of overcoming the temporary. I don't believe it yet. Not until the glance and scroll symptoms disappear. Maybe not completely. But just enough. Just enough to stop. Until then, I'll have a word with the mind. Convince it that I can't have answers to all of my questions. Some of them will remain unanswered. That's probably best. No. Not really. But I'll keep that to myself. Scowl. Now, there's the problem... But I like blue. It's a nice colour. And I noticed that certain colours make me incapable of speaking correctly. Jumbled words. I make no sense under blue. Despite the awkwardness and embarassment, it's a nice change. A change of colour. It'll make sense later. Around the same time as scowls and smiles. I need both. Right after the other. The same time as fidgets. Nervousness. Overthinking. And new. New and sparkly.

Turquoise.

I was tricked into the world of fortune cookies. First confused from being handed one randomly. It was the saying that had me fooled. "Something sparkly is in your future." Scowl. How vague can they get? EVERYTHING is sparkly. That night, the stars, the silver ribbon in the tree, that. I hope it was that. That would be a nice little future. Nice and sparkly. But it won't happen. Stupid fortune cookie for getting my hopes up. I was actually starting to expect something sparkly. There should be really specific horoscopes and fortunes. Maybe then I'd start to believe them. But I suppose that a bunch of people would be losing their jobs. And complaints. And sad people.

I must add... the trip was amazing. It made my life... well maybe not life. But it certainly brought back a bunch of childhood memories. It also made me terrified of city streets at night and now.... in the morning! Early mornings are half as creepy as late nights but they're just as deserted. Sigh. Hopefully I'll get over my fears of nothing.

until later..

Quiet Bubbles

I should have never listened to them. That one story about the girl who was murdered in a slide. . ahh... it was a harmless ghost story at the time. Another childhood memory that's come back to haunt me. I won't go in a closed slide at night. I refused. "There might be dead bodies". Ugh. Sure, after the fact, it seems stupid and childish, but at the time, I was truly terrified. So does this make me afraid of the dark? Or just the creepy things that come out at night? I wish I wasn't so afraid. The night is so pretty and hidden. Quiet too. It can just be quiet and no one would mind. There should be more quiet. We could eliminate 'small talk', the pointless kind. The one that you feel you are required by law to participate in. And just when you think it's over... ahh... no... another question. I wonder if the answers really sink in. The how are you's and the how was your summer's. I don't think so. I suppose it's just being friendly.. because a simple greeting is too small. Maybe. Maybe forcing silence on yourself could turn out well. I've tried it. Sometimes it works out. Like for certain things... that shouldn't be mentioned. Oh well. The Trip is this weekend and I'm not worried anymore. They spelt my name wrong on the ticket. They didn't butcher it, but it's pretty close. We'll see if they let me in.

until later.

what. do you want.

What makes you happy. What do you need. What keeps you sane. What tears you apart. I don't feel like 'me'. Not at this particular moment. Perhaps I am lacking a bit of hot chocolate. . . To get my thoughts straight. But I don't think so. I believe it's more of a lack of common sense. Common sense that would erase the empty. Because the emptiness won't go away. No, I won't let it. It's strange how that works. How it seems to fix things. Temporary though. It's one thing I'll never understand. Uncertainty. That and everything that will remain hidden.
I. Hate. This.

ymji

Have you lost your mind?

Just a little

Eight baby spiders in my room. Of course, now I'm paranoid.. again. I'd rather not have a repeat of 'The Terrible Baby Spider Ceiling Invasion'. I'm still recovering from that one. On a more positive note... my room is no longer a ridiculous bright colour and no longer has waves. I'll try to see the positive part in that..... okay no. I still would have preferred the squares or the vine-ish thing, but I guess I'll have to settle with a canvas. It'll involve less sanding afterwards. They're setting up a fair of some sorts. In the parking lot right beside work. I realllyyyy can't believe it. They set up a ferris wheel from a truck. Ridiculous. Or maybe it doesn't take much to amaze me. But a fair! From trucks! I think I'm required to go. Or I might regret it. I don't do well with regrets. But I've been doing better with them lately. Regrets are the worst. Lying is one of them. Every time. I hate doing it but. it's necessary in certain cases. The strangeness is back. Along with a new one. A new one that I wasn't expecting. And wasn't expecting to stay for this long.

until later....

not convinced

'If you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by". Ah... fortune cookies. I'll never listen to them. I'd like to meet the person in charge of coming up with those 'clever' and 'thoughtful' phrases. The ones that make people even more paranoid than usual because they now have a 'lucky day' approaching or will soon be meeting a 'suspicious stranger'. If Q.W.Y.L didn't work... (which is probably a very, VERY good thing) then why would a fortune cookie work? I believe in signs, but not the extremely obvious ones that are hidden inside 'cookies' (they're only fun to break open anyway). For a while, I was convinced that the random series of letters on the wallpaper in my bathroom meant something. I won't say what though, because that falls under the category of.. embarassing. And dreams. I wrote down a few, 6 or so years ago and it still creeps me out that they're slowly coming true. Speaking of childhood dreams coming true... I saw Blink last night. That made my life, well, almost. I was smiling the whole time. And for the first time, I didn't lose my voice. . probably because of shitty seats. I was told that I was really lucky to be in the red section and that they were great seats. I have eyes. They sucked. I got a straight view, but of tiny little Tom, Mark and Travis. I think that this picture says it all. The light blue thing being the stage and the very,very bottom of the picture being my seat... Lovely. What's that? The big empty space in the center? Ah... The pit. I hate them. All 4000-5000 of them. I'll get my pit. In a few weeks. And I'll enjoy it's tinyness. The comfort of 400-500 people. Much better. I think. They locked me in office today, where my mind was free to wander.. Not a good thing. In that box with no distractions, the worst thoughts cross my mind. Mmm.... back there tomorrow. Can't wait.

Oh and.. Iohwlmifoafateablhwbbhcitsemisltbinagtbidaihwigtttnaimwhwcjttintgotp....

until later.

Slower

I feel sick. It's just a feeling I'm not used to and don't like. If the bucket was still in existence for the second purpose... it would be empty. I can't do it. It's just too simple to plan it out. Not something that should be planned. That's what this summer should have been about. Lack of plans. But we planned quite a bit and that turned out ok. . mostly. Now that I think about it, it's more empty again than sick. Just when I thought that I had gotten rid of it. I suppose I deserve that for expecting it. And... that. I think I will officially be avoiding loud places, or learn to speak up / talk louder. Hmmm. Loud places and large groups. When combined it's a deadly combination. For me. I suppose I'll always be shy in that sense. And another, but that one's more obvious. I think I might have wasted all my wishes. On little things that didn't matter and would have happened anyway (but didn't because it was jynxed.. yeah that makes sense). Ah yes, the overthinking has kicked in. I'm too tired to deal with it because it'll mean no sleep. : / lovely. I suppose I'll get a headstart on the nonsleep. These dreams aren't helping either. AT all. : ). But I won't get into that.

until later.

half open

I didn't think that it was possible to panic so much in one work shift. What were they thinking asking the paranoid one who has to triple check things. I hate working office. I can't stand it. Well ok. It's alright when the whole system isn't fucked up. But when it is! It's so much fun to see that NOTHING BALANCES and every cash is out thousands of dollars. How lovely. That freaked me out. So much that I had to recount everything and I had to ask myself if I really knew how to count by twos. I never thought that that skill would come in handy. Well, for me it's more of a lack of skill. It's faster to say the odd numbers as well (but quietly so people actually think that I can count like a real person). If you add two hours to replace at dressing rooms, it's enough to drive a person crazy. But, I think I'm still sane. Just not sane enough to do it again tomorrow. Gah...
This is probably not healthy. But oh well. I really should find a 'Summer Comfort Food'. Hot chocolate still works.. but is slightly innapropriate when it's ridiculously hot out (not that this summer has been...). Summer is still stretching on. I've still got "The Trip" to look forward to. That one's had quite the series of ups and downs... Ugh... It went from successful to tolerable to non existant to... me begging and pleading (if you add breakfast it's a nice mix, I swear!). But finally, it's going to happen, just not with the original people that I had planned the trip with. It'll still be fun. I'm still excited. Well.. only a little, it's too soon for that. Looking forward to things too much in advance doesn't work well for me. They either get cancelled or lose the excitement. And I don't want either of those to happen. I think that tonight will be all about purging. Mmm... lovely.

until later.

Orange

I really wasn't expecting such a warm welcome. It was as if i had never left. Many, many smiles. But also suspicious eyes and scowls. I guess you need a bit of both for things to work out. This weekend was a strange one. Unexpected and strange. I suppose predictable could fit into there as well, but just barely.
Sunday was the first family reunion and it was definately a good idea. I hadn't seen half the people there in over a year. Made me think over a few things.. I swear it wasn't over thinking! It will never happen again.... (lie). Mmm...
1. The littlest one (who didn't remember who I was) comes up to me, hugs me, then asks who I was. I was amused.
2. 8 year old : How old are you?
Me: 19.
8 year old: Oh. How old are you when you turn a parent?
: )
3. I don't think change has anything to do with it.
4. Secrets aren't any better in this.
I suppose i should sleep now. In the office tomorrow and I already suck at counting. Ugh. I wonder when it becomes "too late". I seem to be getting used to that one. Probably isn't a good thing. I'm still surprised that I'm not worried at all. I really was expecting it. Hmm.. that is all.

until later.

dramastic

I think that summer has changed me. Even if it's just a little bit. A little less overthinking. I would say that it's because I don't care as much, but I still do. It's just, I've realized that I don't have to analyze every little thing. Sometimes actions don't mean anything. Sometimes they do. I can't spend my life worrying about if certain things are "a sign" or "meant to be". Ugh. I used to do that a lot. That was high school. Everything was "a sign". Everything happened for a reason. Or maybe that rule didn't apply to me. I hate when people do that. Change the rules so that they work out only in their favor. I remember that. Anything that I would say would be pushed aside because it was threatening. But, that was only one person. And I probably won't have to see them again. I'm not the same person anyway. Not about to be stepped on by someone who thinks they can control me and mould me to be their perfect sidekick. Only, it was more of a shadow. I don't like that part. I wonder if everything expires eventually, or runs out. Will waiting ruin everything? Also something I do a lot. Wait too long because it only really makes sense a little while later. Or because I want to see how long it will last on it's own. Probably not the best idea either. On a positive note, there is no more empty feeling. I was quite surprised actually. I was almost expecting it. But no, I feel fine. Not empty and sickish. That was probably what screwed me up in the first place. That emptiness. I guess it's a good thing. It was a sign in it's own little way. A bit of a warning. And.. I'm glad I listened to it.. but sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I let it completely empty out. Scary thought. I won't try that. I really should be doing something more productive:
1. Starting my space-themed costume. It'll be the best use of duct tape ever. Besides the other two costumes.
2. Mailing a certain letter....(Sorry Dakota...the post office is closed..)
3. Doing another 'armless series'
4. bwacpwmmfcasbipntbi ..

I'm not so sure that the last one would be productive.. but it could still be nice. That is all.

until later.

All at once

Work destroyed me today. Yet, I couldn't quite show it because I was at "Service", where you have to appear calm and under control and always smiling. Ugh. But then again, I guess it sortof needed to happen to balance out "The Best Shift Ever". That was yesterday, where I was once again stuck in service. Lovely. The past few days have been strange. Strange and frustrating.

1. We lost power. Mid-transaction. Just when I was starting to get bored too. So of course the customers insist on staying in the store. And when I told them to leave (multiple times..) they simply asked "why?". I guess the fact that the cashes didn't work and the lights were off meant nothing to them.
2. We were able to scare everyone that came in for their one oclock shift. Wasting time is the best passtime. We were the only ones with a flashlight, so it was quite amusing.... scaring bosses : ).
3. Day 2. CCM doesn't work. Debit doesn't work. UGHH! I adore calling for confirmation numbers. So fun. I especially love it when the lady recognizes me and refuses to stay on the line. I hate her too.
4. I will never have to deal with nc again. Ever.

The Great Disa Camping Trip was a great success. Despite the children. But I'll leave it at that.

It didn't take that long for everything to fall together. Well. At least in my mind. It all sort of pieced itself together into a jumbled mess of questions without answers. But at least there were some answers involved. Actually, the more I think of it, the more I realize that it hasn't really fallen together. But does it need to? Maybe temporary will work for now. Probably not the best idea as I don't deal well with uncertainty. I seem to always like to know what's going on. That's probably why I ask so many questions. I think I ask too many. But I'm curious. If only you knew how many questions go through my head. How many unanswered ones. That's where the shyness kicks in. Can't help it. I'm not sure if it's a miss or a regret. For both cases. It would be good timing for a "Plan C" to present itself. It won't save me now, mostly because I don't really need the perfect plan. Or any at all. It just would be nice. Now I just have to convince myself that that's true. Life was so much simpler when I was a dinosaur.

until later.

Rewind

I'm not quite sure who I think I am at the moment. I was. But now comes uncertainty. Why? Well, that's not really important. But figuring out what's changed is. I'll do that eventually. Ah, the black book confirms it. Nothing. This is going to be empty again. As was the bucket. But it was so nicely decorated that it at least forced a smile, therefore defeating it's purpose. It was fake anyway. If you could only see me now. Or a few hours ago. I suppose that would be enough. What doesn't exist would be nice. A nice little treat. Something about a blue castle. Quite nice though. But even that required a bit of time, some getting used to and a little change. Chance would apply there too. I don't know what I'm trying to convince myself of. Whatever happened to distractions? Those were nice, but they aren't doing their job anymore. Today. Today I counted money. And filled out a bunch of paper. Counting is one thing I'm always unsure about. It's ridiculously hard for me to not count something twice to make sure I haven't made a mistake. I'm too precautious. Or maybe it's something more. Scary thought. But I do check to make sure my alarm is set at least 3 times. I should try getting used to only once. But what if something went wrong. There. I worry too much. Too much of everything. But I'm usually fine. It's strange. Little things affect me again. In small doses. Just little upsets. That's it. Why does everyone seem immune to this. My english teachers would hate me. They were always telling me that I used too many "vague pronouns". Oh well. That's how I work. This week was a bit amusing.
1. The boss' face when she came down to see everyone singing happy birthday and seeing cupcakes. Ah, yes. Quite worth the task.
2. The older brother coming home for a visit because he was passing by. Smile worthy indeed.
3. Endless weekend shift wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Service did not wear me down after four full days. But then it gets extended to BB for days and some other thing for 2 more days. Ah... Endless 8 shifts in a row week. Lovely. But then it will be "The Great Camping Trip". It will be nothing less than great. Despite the weather forcast with it's constant "Chance of Showers". I hate them. They're always wrong. I MAY consider removing the hate spell breifly if they would pass on some good weather for a few days starting....Friday the 24th.. and possibly staying until Sunday the 26th. Yes, I would like that very much. Here I go again. Extending #3 on the list. I feel bad for the last one on the list. Because it usually gets burdened with a rant about something that usually has nothing to do with the topic. Hmmm.. yep. I pass this one. Quite well. My room is still white. However, the ceiling is some shade of extremely light beige. Enough to prevent me from going crazy as all my furniture is white. And of course, the blind is as well. Luckily, the floors are saved. I want my room back. I have to walk down 3 stairs to get to most of it. Usually in the dark. Which usually ends up with some sort of clumsy klutzy thing. It just happens naturally with me. Yes, feeling better now. Do I want to know what's going on? Yes. Will I? No. That's the way it will be with this. I do hope that Koper is sighing at my lack of english grammar skills. That would possibly make my night. I'm not sunburnt yet. And hopefully I'll be at service tomorrow. Yep, you heard me right. I actually want to this time. Because it'll go by faster and I won't have to deal with nc*. : )

*Not to be confused with 'nic' Jason. And yes, ic. But I won't subtly underline all ic. Because that would be too many lines. That is all.

until later.

outside in between

It's getting harder to differentiate dreams from reality. That can be quite frustrating. It shouldn't be that way though, as they are nowhere near real enough. But somewhere hidden under a picnic table? It all makes sense. Even in dreams the real parts are the ones I want to avoid. Didn't change them. Probably could have. Considering it was a dream. But maybe it's admitting the truth. Strange. Yet I wanted it to be real. Hmm. No more overthinking before sleeping. Should be a rule.

Over the past few months I've noticed that my car seems to attract. Animals. They keep running into my car. : / "Dog Slayer". I don't think it's a coincidence anymore. But I'm getting sick of it. Gah.
1. Deer ran in front of my car. Scowl. But I escaped that one. I probably shouldn't have taken the longer way. Gave me more time to think. And more time to consider turning around. But I didn't.
2. Dog... I hate that story. But it ran into my car. And hit it. Then ran away. I don't know why. But it was able to run. And it also traumatized me. Quite a bit.
3. Then, of course there's the two cats that ran out in front.. then stopped. I don't understand that either. Cats need leashes. I should be banned from the road.

And again, I'm thinking of regrets too often. I guess it wouldn't really matter because it's too late to change anything now. But it's fun to wonder. I suppose it's also quite damaging? When it's a bit too much. Only it's less. Just for fun. Half of the things in my bag are still wet from warped tour. Cell phone cases do not dry. EVER. And to think I thought i was so clever by putting my bag in another bag without considering the possibility that it would just soak everything in the bag. It rained. And didn't stop. And I will miss the matches. Twice was not enough. I'll miss the hidden things. Those were fun. Apparantly, I should get to work... : /. Endless weekend shift begins today.

- until later

Quite amused.

Work mishaps? Mmmm. Some of those have been quite amusing lately. Well... actually one, and the rest pretty much pissed me off to the point that I had to leave the area. Maybe I get mad too easily, but I won't usually let it out. I keep it in. I don't really like to yell at people (with the exception of a certain two guys... when discussing 'Marley and Me'. UGH. well.. that and pretty much any other disagreement we have in a car. Not a good place to have an argument. Not when you're me.)

1. The boss changing all the change around in Alex's cash because he made a mess of service. His face made my day. : )
2. Crazy woman complaining about returns. Within earshot... Ugh.... Or other woman talking about me behind my back without knowing i spoke english. She must have loved it when I mentioned that i did.
3....6 hours. working in the stupid underwear section to make it perfect. 5 minutes later as we were about to admire 'our' work 4 under 12 year olds come running in screaming about how "cute" the "culottes braziliennes" were : /. Of course, they needed to throw them all on the floor, mix up the sizes, take them off the hangers...etc. I had to walk away. I was about to do away with them. All four of them. Liars. They said that they would clean up after themselves. And they had the nerve to greet me with a smile at my cash as i told them the total of 3.38.... UGH. Not worth it. NOT worth it.

I think that just about ends the longest list I've ever done. And the most I've ever mentioned work. And... the most unvague blog ever? I think I hate typos. In professional things, like books or newsletters. The book I was reading ( I won't say which one, because it really, really sucks. ) was FULL of them. I couldn't stand it. So distracting. I believe I must get back to music and sorting through drawers...can't wait

- until later.

Twice

It was a good attempt at least. One of the best ones this time i must say. I'm not quite sure what happened but I think that distractions may have something to do with it. Just a little. Something strange is going on in this mind of mine. It seems to happen when I can't help it and destroys all other thoughts. Only. It won't go away. Temporarily. But now I can't figure out how to get rid of it. Since it was obviously not properly...disposed of. Scowl. On to Plan B.. Once i figure out exactly what that is. It will be a brilliant plan. That I'm certain of. But. I won't end up thinking of one because that never seems to work. This time, just as with 'Plan A', I will let them form. I'm not helping. I won't influence this anymore than i need to. Which shouldn't be any at all. Because usually when I come up with plans, they end up being ridiculous and impossible. For example, a certain 'bucket'. Failed miserably and I spent the whole time making excuses and exceptions. Plans don't work that way. There can't be any cheating here. I wonder how that will work out this time. And there also can't be any consultations. Because.. it tends to be biased. ALL the time. My own opinion didn't seem to matter with 'Plan A'. Even though my own was quite confusing. I never know what i want, although i often claim that i do. Well now! Now things will change. There will still be the smiles and nods but they don't understand it. Not one bit. Mostly because I leave out everything. Anything and anything that could be more/ too specific. Works better that way. Just enough to explain. A little bit. I'll delay 'B' for a while. Otherwise it would fail no matter what. Wouldn't follow it. Temporary though. I think. Actually... I wish it was. Anyway, enough about that. .It turns out that I'm giving capitals a chance. Don't really like them... but it seems like they needed some attention. I probably won't stick to it, so don't get your hopes up. This definately does not mean that I will be getting rid of my fragmented sentences. They're here to stay. I'm not filtering out thoughts. Well...actually... I am. Cue the vagueness. It had to make an appearance some time or another.

break from capitals.

thoughts?
1. hot chocolate tastes horrible without milk. but there's no more here.
2. it looks like strangers judge too much, but i'm not sure that they do. if only they knew that. maybe it would be easier, with less glares.
3. i check the weather. quite often. but it's been wrong. every time i've checked it with hopes of it being nice out, it's been wrong and turned out somewhat nice. they're allowed to be wrong. and no one seems to mind.
4. am i really supposed to show more emotion to a cashier? i don't think so. maybe later, but i didn't have a reason to. it didn't surprise me as much as was expected.
5. it's more 'this time' now. at least that part of 'Plan A' worked. that's pretty much the only part that did. well.. i can't say that. 47%. i'll stick with that. not bad for a failed plan. the other half (53? ok not quite half) won't be yet. not ready for that. i don't think. i should be. but exceptions and expectations have ruined that. oh well. i shall deal. goodnight.

until later.

here's my attempt at huge news. four wins! in 4451 games.. but it's my way, and i like my way better because it feels more challenging. and i kindof like challenges. this "game winning" deserves a blog. i suppose..





not that much on the mind ce soir. but...
1. jason.... asks too many questions.. too too many. too many details. and now he hates me. HATES ME. hmmm.
2. i havent decided how to make 'what's wrong' into a giant vague mess, so i'll leave it at that.
3. i made cupcakes. with the brother. they were quite good.

i hate being paranoid. i don't know what good it's ever done to me. i must have been born with it- yet when i was little, i wasn't that afraid. i was fine with playing manhunt at sandbanks and then all of a sudden i was worried about scary night things and night people. : / . when did this happen. now i'm all kinds of paranoid. i think certain things must have affected me too much. it's not just night things. i'm paranoid that they will all turn out like this. probably not. but i'll keep thinking it and it will stop me from anything and everything. i hate being paranoid.

until later.

i'm not sure what to think of this. this sudden strangeness. it seems that it keeps repeating itself in some sick little pattern. ugh. how many times how many ways. i'm really not sure anymore. but at least i'm sure of one thing. and that's what was missing before. uncertainty. so count me out.

i had weird. realistic dreams again. involving everyone. well. mostly everyone at some hotel or three storied place. it had bc people too which i wasnt expecting, since i knew it was a dream. and drinking and beads.. and a fence. but not the one i climbed. the wooden kind.

anyway... words i overuse.. a lot...
1. strange
2. creep(y)
3. seems like there's only two. that i can think of.

i finally realized that my sim isnt as twisted as i thought. he kept sleeping with his sister until i realized that he couldnt actually get to his own bed. now i feel guilty. so i made him a bigger, nicer room.

i miss the parks that were made of wood. these plastic ones aren't as fun. they're all purple and blue and have some kind of dinosaur theme. the wooden ones with tire swings and slides with no top were the best. tire swings are more fun than any of the plastic ones. splinters are better than getting burns from hot plastic. and they've also replaced the sand with "pebbles". ugh! really.. falling headfirst from about 10 feet up onto rocks isn't really pleasant. but maybe sand would have done more damage. because it doesn't move.. i have no idea. the wooden ones weren't that high anyway so it wouldnt have mattered. okay.. end park rant.

until later

"salmon pizza"

hello i'm... strange, a klutz, quiet, awkward, shy, scowly, confusing, vague and mostly cruel. apparantly according to my sim version of me that clem made, i'm "good". cause i won't do illegal things :C.

today has made me realize that people should only tan in the safety of their backyards. there should be no exceptions for the sake of my own eyes. gah. still can't erase that image.

eventually. it will happen eventually. i don't really like that word because it seems so far away. breakfast seems far away. but not this morning. everything makes more sense when you have nothing to confuse you. one at a time actually does work...surprisingly. when they're not all fighting to be heard.

things seem more important when they are written on coloured paper. though i don't usually read the whole way either. yesterday was proof that i don't follow directions... since i didn't even read them. but of course the last step on the list told me that. scowl.

anyway. all this to say that this summer's going quite unexpectedly well despite my week in the box at service. i lost count anyway. its 5 right now but not accurate. but ... maybe . because i cheated.

until later

i think i'll call this my first attempt at non vagueness.

i miss bc. it was a year ago and i still miss it. just an escape and it was exactly what i needed at the time. i want to go back, but for different reasons. no need for an escape now.

i can't take another service shift : /. really. it'll be 5 in a row tomorrow and i miss zone. i suppose it's because i like the control that i get from that. and there's so much less control in a box at the front of the store. oh well. i suppose i should just DEAL WITH IT until everyone is back from vacations.

well, i suppose it's time for the traditional list.
1. sundays are my favorite. still.
2. i like this song. merci clem. addictive.
3. i think i just might own too many purple things... it's a possibility.
4. i was told that i was smiling today. by a stranger.
5. crushed pineapples. that is all.

i received a box in the mail today. i really like opening letters. more than i like reading them. i think i'd be happy with a bunch of empty sealed envelopes. this would be why i got a letter opener for christmas one year. anyway.. back to the box. it was a retirement savings plan thing. i don't know what made them think that i would like to retire anytime soon.. especially since i haven't even started the career that i want yet... weird. i quite enjoyed opening the box though and wondering what it could possibly be. : ) but then it was ruined. oh well.

.....................................

until later.

umm

no. not anymore. real stars don't have strings. neither did. what just happened. empty. why does the empty feeling come back every time. and yet there's still more. this shouldn't happen. well. shouldn't anymore. fifteen now. it makes more sense. but. is it too much. i think it could work. but the secrets. the secret will still be there. right there and never answered. that wouldn't make sense. and if it was it wouldn't be truth anyway. i suppose that that should be dealt with. mostly is. mostly. there were more secrets here too. worse? i'm not so sure. but lies and secrets? seems a bit on purpose.

1. hot chocolate seems to be keeping me up.
2. bicycle. ice cream. slice. gah.
3. even though #2 seems closer than it really is. forget about #2. just forget about it.
4. i should probably make more sense, but that's not likely to happen any time soon. sorry.

hmmmm. that just about clears up everything. well. not everything. everything i can make vague and unrecognizable enough. deal with it.

until later.

well.. i am officially graduated. doesn't feel any different though. still the same and too far after school ended. but it was fun. really ridiculously long speeches though. better speeches than at weddings. but no further comment on that.

1. the sun and i don't get along too too well. it's official.
2. i cheated. a little. but it wasn't part of my deal so should it really count as cheating? well, i suspected this so i suppose that it shouldn't count. just not so soon.
3. strangers assume too many things.
4. shuffle mode makes me think too much, i'm not quite sure how random it is.

three times doesn't always work. but i'm convinced it should. which isn't always a good thing. some things just shouldn't be done or attempted a third time. ever.

until later.

eighteen. it will be slow, but maybe this time it will work and finally change things. maybe a little change is needed. not fixed, because that won't happen anytime soon, but temporary. temporary doesn't seem right. but for the moment it will have to do. two.

i'm not sure what to think about tuesday. it's almost tuesday, but it's still a little strange. i like to think that i like risks, but most of them are quite terrifying. i guess that's what makes them worthwhile. the difference they make.

sometimes, random thoughts cross my mind, but i don't think that they're that random if they keep coming up. though, lately there's been a few new ones. not quite new, but renewed.

1. stop. i don't like secrets because of that.
2. my sims are too ambitious, it's unrealistic.
3. i saw too much blue today, no more colour order.
4. dance recital went well. though, now i miss it. just it.
5. i try again too many times. but eventually, i'll get it. years later.
6. not a good idea. for everything.
7. isktai.

i think that summer has finally decided to show up, which is nice, for people who like being in direct contact with the sun : / . Anyway, i shall see about those risks. or lack of.

until later.

Ossapnatm

wednesday makes me think of self. wednesday again. always. but i like wednesdays. it's not the easiest to spell and people don't like when i spell it as whenisday. it's more fun that way.

it still hasn't sunk in that summer is here/ on it's way / never going to happen : /. but i guess when it comes, there will be no more hot chocolates. i miss those. maybe new traditions will come with summer, but that might mean change. i'm getting used to the idea of change. putting it in action... that on the other hand might take some time. maybe my mind is a couple of minutes behind my actions. because i seem to always think of what i wanted to say or do a few minutes after. of course, by then it's usually too late. at least i've got less regrets now. because i'm less afraid of what will happen. a little. but less. i suppose it's better than being afraid of what won't happen.

anyway.. i hate this question. but on this rare occasion.. what's on my mind.
1. half wishing i didn't take extra shifts because the creepy guy might come back.
2. i should be asleep.
3. i don't think i'll be getting pit tickets tomorrow : / sad thought. really sad thought.
4. gah.
5. my sim is still sleeping. and he really needs to stop doing everything "to the extreme". it's bothering me.

not so scary after all.

until later.

I miss not thinking about the future. because now it comes up way too often. never having to worry about how long things would last.
today:
1. i'm starting to feel like my job should be colour coding things for people. white beige yellow orange pink red purple blue green brown grey black.
2. i did not complete #57 it was too hard.
3. i discovered that i'm not as confused as i convinced myself to be. i don't even think that makes sense. but it's not confusing.
4. i'm really bad at making lists. i just like putting numbers because it makes it seem like there's order to these thoughts when really it's just random.
5. hopefully by now James has killed the spider and all is well... : )

i still can't do a cartwheel. and i still haven't touched my happy bucket since the incident with it. and i still have my yo yo. which my neighbor gave me and i still cant do that sleeping trick with it. hmmm... that's about it.

until later.

Well. now i know that certain things aren't a good idea.

1. walking down taschereau when it's cold and windy...
2. not getting much sleep.

i'm stuck with some kind of a headache agaiiin. but i won't miss everlea tomorrow. I wish things could be simpler. My head feels like it's too full of everything. everything I overthink. I do that a lot.. would it really be a lot better if no one was able to lie? I'm not sure. anyway i don't think i'm "blogging" correctly. so I'll end it here.

until later.

well. DISA is officially over. which is kind of sad because this semester was the most fun we've had. somehow it still doesn't seem real. and i still feel stuck in between. I wish it was warmer out. I wish time could go on longer. just long enough to say what i need to say. and then it could speed up again. but i suppose that that won't happen. So now:

1. i have a headache.
2. dance is soon and i don't feel like it tonight.
3. i'm not sure of anything at the moment.

i wish it would rain and be nice at the same time. not as cold. but still rainy. its nice. im not sure why.

until later.