Departure

What did I think was going to happen? Well, I hadn't actually thought that far. The moment was enough to keep me happy. Keep me away from the truth. I suppose it's always been that way. With the truth hanging somewhere. Just out of reach. Pushed out of my mind. Why would I want to picture that? To constantly search for destruction. For a way out. Perhaps for the sake of tradition. I've come to expect it. I've become paranoid. Not that I can help it. Not that it will go away anytime soon. That may never change. I will always be stubborn and awkward. Fragile and sarcastic. Built for some kind of destruction. Only, without an explanation of how it will work. What effect it will have. Surprise. Surprise. I'll take my chances. Not that I necessarily deserve them. Or any of this. This whole set up. Set up for disappointment. I'm sorry. I wish I could be exactly who you think I am. I wish I could tell you everything. Everything and anything. Only. I can't. I prefer being invisible. Slightly out of your reach. Keeping up the charade. Everything's fine. You won't have to worry. Not about me. Me, the invisible one. The one who's constantly afraid. Of. Everything. Only. It's not quite fair. To have everything I should be right there in front of me. Just out of reach. A little too far away. Maybe I should stop reaching. Stop pretending that everything is fine. Start letting it out. Letting you in. Maybe. Only. It's far too late for that. The story must change. And change. Until the truth is no longer recognizable. No longer needed. No longer capable of causing harm. It should though. It should always recreate the same feelings. Until they all blend together as one. One big mess. That's more truthful than you would expect. Maybe. Maybe this would be better if I didn't believe so strongly in childhood wishes. In savings and halves. In wishing on stars. Always hoping. For things I never really had any control over. I suppose it has to be that way. It's only fair. It's the only way to keep going. To break out of the hiding place. To come out with it all.

To make room for something new. New on the inside. With no place to hide.