Renew

It almost doesn't feel real. A year's worth of hidden thoughts, overthinking and wasted time. Lack of trust and paranoia. A year's worth of red lights, lies and internal shivering. Assisted misery. What better time to shed those memories than spring/ not quite summer/ it feels like summer time. In honor of false summer starting, the list will be making a temporary appearance.
This week..
1. I had forgotten what it was like to work full time again. To improve my non-existant acting skills and pretend to be deeply interested in complete strangers' lives. To ask questions and give ridiculous smiles and finish every sentence with "Parfait!". Ugh. Nothing perfect about that.
2. I've noticed that procrastination has creeped it's way into my summer "goals" list. Either that, or I have no time management skills. I have started every single one of them and now have unfinished projects lying around. Not a pretty sight. I love starting projects but I seem to either get uninspired halfway through, run out of time or just get bored and start another. Seven days after exams and I've already done too much.
3. I have no idea how to study effectively anymore. I'm much too distracted. And too prone to sleep when it gets too dull. I miss being able to condense all of my notes into a small amount written nicely in 10 different colours. I always write nicer when I allow myself to use my 'nice pens'. That's probably the reason why I don't use them often. Either that or I'm secretly saving them. I used to save everything and claim that one day I will need whatever it is I was saving.. I wound up with a bunch of strange collections and unopened packages. It's a shame. I would have loved to use them when I first had them.
4. I still feel as if I am a year behind. I always feel like I'm the person I wanted to be one year ago. Am I that slow at making changes? Do I really overthink that much?.. Agh.. Someone invent a time machine, so I can tell myself to hurry up and make a decision. To stop overthinking and just go straight to action. To stop comparing and wondering. It will be too late. Time will be up soon and I can't bear to lose it this time. From QWYL to now. I still haven't learned the meaning of the word 'action'. Waiting for something that will soon expire probably isn't the best idea.
5. I think I've escaped from the secrets room. The room with no doors or windows. The room I was drowning in. They have been reduced to be able to fit into a small bucket. Painted white and missing stones. I don't think I'll ever find them. But maybe that's a good thing. Four less. That's about average. I won't be seeing twenties for a while now. It's too unrealistic. It only ends up leaving unbelievably high expectations. I've never liked those.
6. I wish I would have listened to her advice. Back when folding and old songs would always bring smiles. What would have happened then? Where would we be now? Would you still have left and passed the blame onto me? Fear and paranoia were making their entrance. The situation seems to be quite similar and yet I'm only now noticing that the shaded grey area is disappearing. Time will be up soon. If I keep this up.
7. No more flutters. No more shivers. It wasn't enough. Temporary relief. I don't want any more.