Twenty.

Red lights remind me of one thing. Or maybe just those. Those four red lights. Everything that came with them. The waiting. Regretting and thinking. Empty. Ridiculous scowls. Clenched fists too. I hate the waiting. It only makes me remember. What a waste of red.

Curtains

Just a touch of blue. That was all that I needed. All it took to rid my system of that. Mostly. This time, I might have a chance of overcoming the temporary. I don't believe it yet. Not until the glance and scroll symptoms disappear. Maybe not completely. But just enough. Just enough to stop. Until then, I'll have a word with the mind. Convince it that I can't have answers to all of my questions. Some of them will remain unanswered. That's probably best. No. Not really. But I'll keep that to myself. Scowl. Now, there's the problem... But I like blue. It's a nice colour. And I noticed that certain colours make me incapable of speaking correctly. Jumbled words. I make no sense under blue. Despite the awkwardness and embarassment, it's a nice change. A change of colour. It'll make sense later. Around the same time as scowls and smiles. I need both. Right after the other. The same time as fidgets. Nervousness. Overthinking. And new. New and sparkly.

Turquoise.

I was tricked into the world of fortune cookies. First confused from being handed one randomly. It was the saying that had me fooled. "Something sparkly is in your future." Scowl. How vague can they get? EVERYTHING is sparkly. That night, the stars, the silver ribbon in the tree, that. I hope it was that. That would be a nice little future. Nice and sparkly. But it won't happen. Stupid fortune cookie for getting my hopes up. I was actually starting to expect something sparkly. There should be really specific horoscopes and fortunes. Maybe then I'd start to believe them. But I suppose that a bunch of people would be losing their jobs. And complaints. And sad people.

I must add... the trip was amazing. It made my life... well maybe not life. But it certainly brought back a bunch of childhood memories. It also made me terrified of city streets at night and now.... in the morning! Early mornings are half as creepy as late nights but they're just as deserted. Sigh. Hopefully I'll get over my fears of nothing.

until later..

Quiet Bubbles

I should have never listened to them. That one story about the girl who was murdered in a slide. . ahh... it was a harmless ghost story at the time. Another childhood memory that's come back to haunt me. I won't go in a closed slide at night. I refused. "There might be dead bodies". Ugh. Sure, after the fact, it seems stupid and childish, but at the time, I was truly terrified. So does this make me afraid of the dark? Or just the creepy things that come out at night? I wish I wasn't so afraid. The night is so pretty and hidden. Quiet too. It can just be quiet and no one would mind. There should be more quiet. We could eliminate 'small talk', the pointless kind. The one that you feel you are required by law to participate in. And just when you think it's over... ahh... no... another question. I wonder if the answers really sink in. The how are you's and the how was your summer's. I don't think so. I suppose it's just being friendly.. because a simple greeting is too small. Maybe. Maybe forcing silence on yourself could turn out well. I've tried it. Sometimes it works out. Like for certain things... that shouldn't be mentioned. Oh well. The Trip is this weekend and I'm not worried anymore. They spelt my name wrong on the ticket. They didn't butcher it, but it's pretty close. We'll see if they let me in.

until later.

what. do you want.

What makes you happy. What do you need. What keeps you sane. What tears you apart. I don't feel like 'me'. Not at this particular moment. Perhaps I am lacking a bit of hot chocolate. . . To get my thoughts straight. But I don't think so. I believe it's more of a lack of common sense. Common sense that would erase the empty. Because the emptiness won't go away. No, I won't let it. It's strange how that works. How it seems to fix things. Temporary though. It's one thing I'll never understand. Uncertainty. That and everything that will remain hidden.
I. Hate. This.

ymji

Have you lost your mind?

Just a little

Eight baby spiders in my room. Of course, now I'm paranoid.. again. I'd rather not have a repeat of 'The Terrible Baby Spider Ceiling Invasion'. I'm still recovering from that one. On a more positive note... my room is no longer a ridiculous bright colour and no longer has waves. I'll try to see the positive part in that..... okay no. I still would have preferred the squares or the vine-ish thing, but I guess I'll have to settle with a canvas. It'll involve less sanding afterwards. They're setting up a fair of some sorts. In the parking lot right beside work. I realllyyyy can't believe it. They set up a ferris wheel from a truck. Ridiculous. Or maybe it doesn't take much to amaze me. But a fair! From trucks! I think I'm required to go. Or I might regret it. I don't do well with regrets. But I've been doing better with them lately. Regrets are the worst. Lying is one of them. Every time. I hate doing it but. it's necessary in certain cases. The strangeness is back. Along with a new one. A new one that I wasn't expecting. And wasn't expecting to stay for this long.

until later....

not convinced

'If you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by". Ah... fortune cookies. I'll never listen to them. I'd like to meet the person in charge of coming up with those 'clever' and 'thoughtful' phrases. The ones that make people even more paranoid than usual because they now have a 'lucky day' approaching or will soon be meeting a 'suspicious stranger'. If Q.W.Y.L didn't work... (which is probably a very, VERY good thing) then why would a fortune cookie work? I believe in signs, but not the extremely obvious ones that are hidden inside 'cookies' (they're only fun to break open anyway). For a while, I was convinced that the random series of letters on the wallpaper in my bathroom meant something. I won't say what though, because that falls under the category of.. embarassing. And dreams. I wrote down a few, 6 or so years ago and it still creeps me out that they're slowly coming true. Speaking of childhood dreams coming true... I saw Blink last night. That made my life, well, almost. I was smiling the whole time. And for the first time, I didn't lose my voice. . probably because of shitty seats. I was told that I was really lucky to be in the red section and that they were great seats. I have eyes. They sucked. I got a straight view, but of tiny little Tom, Mark and Travis. I think that this picture says it all. The light blue thing being the stage and the very,very bottom of the picture being my seat... Lovely. What's that? The big empty space in the center? Ah... The pit. I hate them. All 4000-5000 of them. I'll get my pit. In a few weeks. And I'll enjoy it's tinyness. The comfort of 400-500 people. Much better. I think. They locked me in office today, where my mind was free to wander.. Not a good thing. In that box with no distractions, the worst thoughts cross my mind. Mmm.... back there tomorrow. Can't wait.

Oh and.. Iohwlmifoafateablhwbbhcitsemisltbinagtbidaihwigtttnaimwhwcjttintgotp....

until later.

Slower

I feel sick. It's just a feeling I'm not used to and don't like. If the bucket was still in existence for the second purpose... it would be empty. I can't do it. It's just too simple to plan it out. Not something that should be planned. That's what this summer should have been about. Lack of plans. But we planned quite a bit and that turned out ok. . mostly. Now that I think about it, it's more empty again than sick. Just when I thought that I had gotten rid of it. I suppose I deserve that for expecting it. And... that. I think I will officially be avoiding loud places, or learn to speak up / talk louder. Hmmm. Loud places and large groups. When combined it's a deadly combination. For me. I suppose I'll always be shy in that sense. And another, but that one's more obvious. I think I might have wasted all my wishes. On little things that didn't matter and would have happened anyway (but didn't because it was jynxed.. yeah that makes sense). Ah yes, the overthinking has kicked in. I'm too tired to deal with it because it'll mean no sleep. : / lovely. I suppose I'll get a headstart on the nonsleep. These dreams aren't helping either. AT all. : ). But I won't get into that.

until later.

half open

I didn't think that it was possible to panic so much in one work shift. What were they thinking asking the paranoid one who has to triple check things. I hate working office. I can't stand it. Well ok. It's alright when the whole system isn't fucked up. But when it is! It's so much fun to see that NOTHING BALANCES and every cash is out thousands of dollars. How lovely. That freaked me out. So much that I had to recount everything and I had to ask myself if I really knew how to count by twos. I never thought that that skill would come in handy. Well, for me it's more of a lack of skill. It's faster to say the odd numbers as well (but quietly so people actually think that I can count like a real person). If you add two hours to replace at dressing rooms, it's enough to drive a person crazy. But, I think I'm still sane. Just not sane enough to do it again tomorrow. Gah...
This is probably not healthy. But oh well. I really should find a 'Summer Comfort Food'. Hot chocolate still works.. but is slightly innapropriate when it's ridiculously hot out (not that this summer has been...). Summer is still stretching on. I've still got "The Trip" to look forward to. That one's had quite the series of ups and downs... Ugh... It went from successful to tolerable to non existant to... me begging and pleading (if you add breakfast it's a nice mix, I swear!). But finally, it's going to happen, just not with the original people that I had planned the trip with. It'll still be fun. I'm still excited. Well.. only a little, it's too soon for that. Looking forward to things too much in advance doesn't work well for me. They either get cancelled or lose the excitement. And I don't want either of those to happen. I think that tonight will be all about purging. Mmm... lovely.

until later.

Orange

I really wasn't expecting such a warm welcome. It was as if i had never left. Many, many smiles. But also suspicious eyes and scowls. I guess you need a bit of both for things to work out. This weekend was a strange one. Unexpected and strange. I suppose predictable could fit into there as well, but just barely.
Sunday was the first family reunion and it was definately a good idea. I hadn't seen half the people there in over a year. Made me think over a few things.. I swear it wasn't over thinking! It will never happen again.... (lie). Mmm...
1. The littlest one (who didn't remember who I was) comes up to me, hugs me, then asks who I was. I was amused.
2. 8 year old : How old are you?
Me: 19.
8 year old: Oh. How old are you when you turn a parent?
: )
3. I don't think change has anything to do with it.
4. Secrets aren't any better in this.
I suppose i should sleep now. In the office tomorrow and I already suck at counting. Ugh. I wonder when it becomes "too late". I seem to be getting used to that one. Probably isn't a good thing. I'm still surprised that I'm not worried at all. I really was expecting it. Hmm.. that is all.

until later.

dramastic

I think that summer has changed me. Even if it's just a little bit. A little less overthinking. I would say that it's because I don't care as much, but I still do. It's just, I've realized that I don't have to analyze every little thing. Sometimes actions don't mean anything. Sometimes they do. I can't spend my life worrying about if certain things are "a sign" or "meant to be". Ugh. I used to do that a lot. That was high school. Everything was "a sign". Everything happened for a reason. Or maybe that rule didn't apply to me. I hate when people do that. Change the rules so that they work out only in their favor. I remember that. Anything that I would say would be pushed aside because it was threatening. But, that was only one person. And I probably won't have to see them again. I'm not the same person anyway. Not about to be stepped on by someone who thinks they can control me and mould me to be their perfect sidekick. Only, it was more of a shadow. I don't like that part. I wonder if everything expires eventually, or runs out. Will waiting ruin everything? Also something I do a lot. Wait too long because it only really makes sense a little while later. Or because I want to see how long it will last on it's own. Probably not the best idea either. On a positive note, there is no more empty feeling. I was quite surprised actually. I was almost expecting it. But no, I feel fine. Not empty and sickish. That was probably what screwed me up in the first place. That emptiness. I guess it's a good thing. It was a sign in it's own little way. A bit of a warning. And.. I'm glad I listened to it.. but sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I let it completely empty out. Scary thought. I won't try that. I really should be doing something more productive:
1. Starting my space-themed costume. It'll be the best use of duct tape ever. Besides the other two costumes.
2. Mailing a certain letter....(Sorry Dakota...the post office is closed..)
3. Doing another 'armless series'
4. bwacpwmmfcasbipntbi ..

I'm not so sure that the last one would be productive.. but it could still be nice. That is all.

until later.