between the lines

But there weren't any. And I knew that there couldn't be. Still, I wondered what it would be like. To know you in a way that was real. A way that existed outside the spaces. Outside the lines you so had so carefully drawn. I wanted to expand. To explore. Not be kept inside. Locked away for blocks of time. Freed for a day. A few hours at most. To throw me off track. To answer my questions. To whisper. To reassure me. To calm me down. To win me over. To coax me back into the box. Back inside. It's not as comfortable as before. But. I'll stay, nice and quiet. I'll endure the darkness and keep it all inside. Hidden in my mind. All for that one moment of freedom. The one that feels real. The one that hurts most when I'm back inside. Free to wonder. To argue. To doubt. To break To continue the cycle. free.

Wires.

I felt the disconnection. Months ago. I should have seen it sooner. The signs were right there. Desaturated colours. Increased letters. Growing distance. Excuses. I. I wish we could go back. Just a little further. When. When it was simpler. Codes. And letters. They didn't always make sense. But. They always made me feel better. Calmer. Emptied. Leaving the necessary. And. Leaving the positive. I miss that empty. This kind feels blank. First blank. Cold. Indifferent. Then completely emptied. Taking out more than ever. Too much. Barely leaving anything. Just for a while. Until my empty body collapses inward.

263

To be frozen here. Right now. Is that too much to ask for?

Penguins

Sometimes. I'll make a deal with my mind. We'll spend a few hours arguing about something that would seem unimportant. Weighing out the pros and cons. Finally, we'll come to an agreement (Usually...). But the mind always wins. We'll agree.. and then it'll stab me in the back by changing my dreams to reflect its own opinion. Scowl. It's not fair. There's no way out either because if I don't agree, I'll never fall asleep. Mmm... I wonder if it can be tricked... Yes. I'll try that. Tonight. Tonight will be different.

Bruised

New and improved. It doesn't make sense. It can't be new and improved all at once. Nonetheless, it sounds nice. It's unrealistic. I'd like some new and improved. I'd like it with a side of make believe : / . And then my imagination takes over. Dreams. They seem new and improved. Or much worse.. but I'll put that one aside. I think I'm negative.

Why do you let it affect you? Why do you let it get to you? Why do you keep trying when you know that you'll fail? Why do you keep hurting yourself? Why do you even bother? Why? . . . I don't know. I can't explain. I don't want to explain. You won't understand. You just want facts. Facts on paper. I can't give you that. I can only give you little bits of emotion and pieces of thoughts. You won't get the whole one. It's up to you to piece them together. I can't do that for you. No. I can't turn it into words. I'll let you try. Go ahead. Get into my head. Take your answers, and leave. Please.

Fo-ie-ve-ty

What just happened? The quiet plan. The quiet plan never works. Never. It's never planned either. Actually, the complete opposite is planned, but the quiet plan takes over as it gets closer to the end. Usually... This means regrets. Like the last time. Only, there's no second chance because it was the real end. Nothing could come after this end. Then why the quiet plan? I guess I'll never know. I have no idea why fears decide to take over. I have learned to associate them with the colour red. Because of that day. The day that I can never get back. When does the learning process happen? The quiet plan keeps repeating. Why is there no learning from mistakes. The situations become so similar, but the realization only comes after. It's too late. Can't get them back. Even if I tried.