Secrets

Everything comes flooding back. Lights out. Under the watch of complete strangers. Colder than ever. Doesn't seem to matter. No. The memories don't bring warm thoughts. Not this time. I'll let the cold get to me. Until then. Until frustration decides to present itself. Until it gets worse. Worse for all to see. To judge. I know they will. I can see it in their stares. Their narrowed eyes. I'd tell them. I'm here. It's not okay. But. They're too far. Too busy. Behind too many layers. Off in their own world. As they should be.

Red.

One... Two... Wait. What's happening? You should be falling. Spiraling downward. Twisting in midair. Well.. No. I guess not. You won't hit the ground. Not anytime soon. Don't worry. Don't worry about it. Empty. Considering you already know. You'll just sway. Only for a second. Right past my window. It was enough.

Envelopes

Today was meant to be a bad day. The printer didn't work and printed all but the important parts of my paper... But it was okay. I would print it at school... Or so I thought. Of course the pink USB key would be useful to print at school... Which could only mean.... I missed the train. Scowl. I love the train and all of it's strangers. Though, I hate being surrounded by them. But I must take the window seat. The coldness keeps me awake. It seems to be the only thing keeping me awake lately. The shivering as well. Anyway, This isn't October. I miss the real one. The piles of leaves. I remember taking the wagons around the block and offering to rake up the neighbours' leaves and take them to our treehouse. Mmm... Parents weren't too happy. To me, it seemed brilliant, sliding down into a huge pile of leaves. Much bigger than the neighbour kids could make. Though.. I wasn't the one raking them and putting them into bags before winter. Oh well. I miss that block. And the races and guerre d'eau's. And of course, who could forget hearing my so called best friends trash talk me (quite loudly) next door. That affected me a bit. Can't trust people. Not then. Not now. Quite...Off topic... Qu still brightened my day. And tomorrow too. Probably.. The sequence was a perfect way to end the day. Very sarcastic. Very. I don't understand any of it. And yet it still happened. Over. And Over. This time. I'd like to dive in puddles. With socks on. For once. And not have to worry about anything. Just another carefree moment. I miss those. When nothing had to be said. And it didn't matter who was watching. Or what they thought. Maybe tomorrow will be carefree. Maybe.

Surprise.

I've been finding it easier to fall asleep at night. Usually, I'm bombarded with thoughts of today. Today means overthinking. I've missed overthinking. I guess. I'm just tired. Too tired to think about everything that I shouldn't be stressing about. Thinking erased my dreams. Not now. Now, I'm stuck with extension dreams. The one's that seem like an extension of real life. Of today. I hate those. I hate waking up and knowing it was all a dream. Falling back asleep with hopes of getting it back. No. Never happens. Just half awake state with sounds. Sounds that become comforting. Sounds that convince me to get more sleep. And sounds that convince me that I'm insane for having these dreams.

Left

Yesterday was orange. Orange all over. I can't seem to see past that. Or where it could take me. That is.. If I took a chance and followed it. I usually do, but sometimes orange can be wrong. In those cases, I'm faced with new and terrifying. Only. It's not new. I've seen it all before. Just. Names confuse me. I'll never remember them all. I'll just rely on orange. I'll be safe with that. At least. Until winter when it will suddenly disappear under a blanket of white. I'm not ready for that uncertainty. Not yet.

2009

It's official. The distance is too much for me to handle. You've turned a growing line into a huge crater. And now. Your name no longer makes me smile. It no longer appears after the 'and'. It didn't take you long to move to last. From last to gone. That was quick. It was too easy. I should have seen it coming. After the hours of familiar. And broken things. That one. I guess one was enough. I made my mark. Just as you had. Only it was more painful, and I had asked you not to. So now, I'm afraid of that too. Because hiding didn't help. You got through anyway. That time. Now, there's walls in addition to the crater. So, good luck. If you miss the two's, the wall's ready. And I'm not alone behind it.

2

Hello distraction. Yes. That's what you are. Some sort of cycle. All at once. No one could handle that. Especially not me. But. How can you say no to a distraction? With their warm inviting smiles. Their empty promise to fulfill your current wants and needs. I wish I saw through that earlier. But you make a convincing argument. Not to mention. You do an excellent job of occupying my mind. Even when you shouldn't. Especially not now. No. I need my mind now. Fully. No room for distractions. But. That doesn't stop you. It's your job. And my mistake. I can't do this anymore. I'll ask you nicely one last time. Just. Leave me alone. Please.

Teal

Yesterday was screaming October. Ridiculous rain and wind. Cold too. Or maybe it was the hill that made everything worse? Or the fact that they decided to have a fire drill when it was rainy and cold. Mmmm walking down six flights of stairs. Yeah, that was fun. I was disrupted. Surrounded by strangers. I wonder if the sidewalk felt stepped on. But yesterday was different. I wasn't aware. All morning. I was disconnected from the world. It was terrifying, yet strangely calming at the same time. It won't happen again. I promise.
Scowl. I think I may have wasted all my chances. That's partly a good thing. No. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm losing it. I think the cold might be moving to my mind. Must be it. I want my first chance back. Please. I promise I'll use it well this time. Not like before. Just this one time. For just a little longer. Okay... A lot longer. But that's all. I swear... ...? I miss the arguments. And switching sides. And teaming up. Too late now. Anyway, my hands are too cold. And this is no longer making sense. At all.

But. Thank you sir for your random act of kindness.

Also, lady from this morning, you are a ...very unpleasant person. Yeah, that'll pass through the 'no profane language' barrier.